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Panelists: Term "lifestyle" trivializes, is shallow when referring to gays, lesbians

"I urge you to put your child first, regardless of what your feelings might be -- you won't regret it," said Joan Farnum, Laboratory retiree and panelist. Farnum was one of five panelists who spoke at the Canyon School Complex on Monday as part of a Lab sponsored Gay Pride Month event.

Panelists included Steve Buelow of Physical Chemistry and Applied Spectroscopy (C-PCS) father of a transgender son; Joan and Gene Farnum, Laboratory retirees, parents of a deceased lesbian daughter; Berylene Rogers of the Diversity (DVO) Office, widow of a gay man; and Rhonda Rogers of Risk Reduction and Environmental Stewardship (RRES) Division, daughter of a gay man. Panelists discussed their own experiences in "coming out" and how they dealt with the news that their family members were lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or intersex people.

"My oldest child transgendered from a female to a male. How did I feel? I felt real concern. At 19 years of age, identity is still flexible, but if it's going to happen it should happen early," said Buelow. "It took a while to understand the magnitude of the situation. We dealt with the struggle by having patience ... let life evolve.

"Transgender issues are where gay issues were 20 years ago," Buelow continued. "Social issues are tougher because the percentage of individuals in the [transgender] group is smaller."

The Farnums have been married for 20 years and have a merged family from previous marriages, they said. "I was totally shocked," Joan Farnum said, referring to her daughter's phone call informing them that she was a lesbian. "I became a member of the welcoming congregation and co-taught a class with the minister at my church. We learned about and got to know lesbian and gay people," Joan Farnum said.

The Farnum's daughter died two years ago at age 34; she was the biological mother of a young daughter whom the Farnums say they love as well as their daughter's former partner.

"I learned it was wrong to discriminate against anyone and that I have an obligation to help. The experience opened my eyes and now we're friends with lots of gay and lesbian people, said Gene Farnum. "As you get older you learn things. For me, I'm more aware of interpersonal relationships on all levels because of [this] wisdom," he said.

Berylene Rogers said she met her former husband at a church function; they knew each other for four years before marrying and there were no concerns about his sexual orientation. After five years of marriage and two children, her husband let it be known that he was unhappy, Rogers recalled. "The first thing on my mind was 'that this too shall pass,' then I realized this is for real," she said. The Rogers' remained together for 17 years before separating for three years, Rogers said, adding that she left her husband after his significant other contracted Hepatitis C and it became a health issue.

In the end, Berylene Rogers became her husband's caretaker for three years when he contracted AIDS and died of complications related to the virus in 1995. Rogers also took care of her brother who died of AIDS in 1989.

An attendee asked the panelists if there was a silver lining that makes them a better person? Berylene Rogers said, "It has made me a better person, because there is no reason to fear or distrust anyone for who or what they are. I met wonderful people through my husband and brother and I can't imagine life without those people," she said.

Rhonda Rogers said, "My dad came out when I was nine years old. I came out when I was 13 while living in San Jose, because everyone was living an open life style and I didn't want to lie," she said. "Today I still don't bring the topic up, because the strain didn't go away with [my father's] death. Until I figured out who I was - straight - I didn't realize how hard it had been," she said.

The panelists agreed that there is still much work to be done when dealing with LGBTI issues but that the cause has come a long way, they said. They would like to see the Laboratory focus on implementing acceptable guidelines for behaviors, which will influence others and hold them accountable for how they act and maybe, ultimately, their belief systems.

Monday's presentation is part of DVO's "Something to Think About" diversity curriculum. Gay Pride Month is sponsored by the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex Diversity Working Group (LGBTI DWG), the Diversity Affirmative Action Board and the Diversity (DVO) Office.

For more information about LGBTI issues, go to the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Web site at http://www.pflag.org/ online.

--Kathryn Ostic

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